Doctor's appointment this morning could have gone better.

I've been referred for another ultrasound, to be done at 32 weeks (five weeks' time). The doctor said he was unable to accurately measure the size of my uterus and so he wanted an ultrasound to measure baby - just to be on the safe side, as everyone is so fond of saying to us - and that depending on the outcome of that one, probably another scan at 36 weeks. Oh and, he wants it done at 32 weeks because there's not much point doing it now. Because they're not going to be looking at delivering the baby now anyway.

WTF???

I'm so tired. I'm not even feeling particularly anxious and certainly not panicky. Breaking out in eczema - which looked like a red lumpy rash - at 15 weeks made me panic. Being told to come back at lunch time to continue an ultrasound made me panic. I know that there have been no indications whatsoever at any point of this pregnancy that anything is wrong. I know that all the doctors want this pregnancy to be very closely monitored. This unfortunately is the reality of being very closely monitored. Of course I don't feel good about being told I need another ultrasound, but I've been kind of expecting to have more at 30+ weeks.

What I don't like is the way doctors speak. I was effectively just told to keep on keeping on because if something's wrong they can't do much at the moment anyway and just hope that everything is still OK in a month.

Someone wake me up in November....

Wow.

Completely out of the blue Rory just said that he heard a song today that made him think of Kathryn. I asked him what it was and he said "My Heart Will Go On".

I'm convinced Kat's made those words her song.

I've been feeling really emotional and fragile the last couple of days. Thirteen and a half weeks til due date seems so far away and each day is dragging past. The 'count' is more and more on my mind. Several times a day I remind myself of exactly how many weeks/days I am and how many weeks/days til due date. It feels like I've been 26+ weeks for at least a fortnight but I'm now only 26w 4d. I hope the rest of the pregnancy isn't going to be like this.

On another train of thought, but kind of related, I feel like I've been pregnant for sooo long. Which I have. It's been 12 months out of the last 15 now that I've been pregnant; by the time this baby's born I will have been pregnant for 15 months out of the previous 18. I've been waiting so long to have our baby in my arms and to see Michael holding our child - our child who is alive and well that is. I'm just so ready to meet our girl and sick of waiting. But desperate for her to still be inside me for at least another 10 weeks or more.

Well, I've made it past the point of pregnancy that Kat was stillborn. Even though my first two pregnancies resulted in full-term births of healthy babies it has still been really difficult in the lead up to 25 weeks to imagine that this baby is still alive, or that she will be next week or next month or in December. Here I am though, two days short of 26 weeks and actually enjoying being pregnant more than I have out of four pregnancies. Yes, there has been plenty of anxiety. I've been really positive as long as everything's on an even keel; as soon as anything rocks me just a little I freak out. But so far the things that have freaked me out have proved to be unfounded. This is the first uncomplicated pregnancy I've ever had. The only one that hasn't started with multiple ultrasounds because doctors are concerned about the baby. The only one that hasn't started with doctors telling me not to get my hopes up about the pregnancy continuing. I've been the least sick and the most physically comfortable (although comfort is a relative term in pregnancy - there really is no such thing as "comfortable") out of all four. There's plenty of movement from bub and she has a nice steady heartbeat. I've been really enjoying the experience of carrying her inside my body. Every time I feel her move I get the most incredible rush of love for her. I feel a very close bond with her already. All indications now are that we really will be holding our living, breathing baby in about three months' time.

I hope so anyway...

Dear Kat,

Today it's nine months since you left my body. You were so tiny and perfect. When I think of how you looked I always remember your precious little mouth and your tongue, so perfectly finished inside it. Your head and face were the same shape as your Daddy's. Your arms were the same as his as well.

Today I am 25 weeks and 2 days pregnant. Exactly the same as I was the day we found out your heart had stopped.

Tomorrow I will be 25 weeks and 3 days pregnant - exactly the same as I was the day you entered this world without ever seeing it.

We feel so strongly that you wanted so much to live, little kitty Kat. You wanted to be here with us, you wanted a life in this world. You wanted to grow. We feel like you tried so very hard to be here... but you just couldn't. That virus came along and robbed you of your body. It just couldn't cope and it... stopped.

We feel so strongly that you go on. We feel like you still want so much to be a part of this family. You don't want us to ever forget that you are our daughter, that you are Rory, Sienna and bub's sister. We will never forget Kat. You will always be part of our special celebrations. You will always have days that we devote to your memory. We will buy a new rose every year to add to your garden and every single bloom will be for you. The baby that is growing inside me right now will know she has another big sister. And Rory and Sienna will never forget the little sister they never got to see but who they love all the same.

With much love now and forever to the tiny baby that is safe in my heart.

Mummy. xx

Double post day!

I've been feeling really angsty today and not able to wrap my mind around this baby being alive. I've been feeling all day like SOMETHING is about to blow up in my face and it will all be over. Then I just realised that today is the exact point in the pregnancy that, in hindsight, I believe Kat's heart stopped. It's three days until the same point we had the last ultrasound and were told she had passed away. And that day happens to fall on the 20th - nine months since Kat was born.

But then my doppler arrived this afternoon and I just lay in bed listening to our lil babe's heartbeat and I'm feeling a lot better now. I can see myself being glued to that doppler for the next fifteen weeks though...

I had an ultrasound yesterday, which was fine in that everything is looking good with the baby, but was very stressful. It was the follow-up scan after the 20 week one when they couldn't get clear pictures of the baby's head and face. We knew that was the only reason we were being sent back for another scan, but couldn't help feeling a little off about needing another scan after needing so many with Kat. So there we were having the scan - and it just kept going and going and going. The woman doing it spent ages around the baby's head, taking measurements and so on. And then doing all the other pics and measurements as well. After an hour in there, she asked me if I could come back at lunch time. Alarm bells started ringing. She said that she had well and truly exceeded her time doing the scan and she still wanted to get some more pictures of the baby's face. Why? What was wrong? She told us that given our history she just wanted to be really thorough and get everything she could. So off I went to wait for an hour and a half all the while wondering what was wrong with our baby. And thinking "here we go again". Went back and had another half-hour scan. Bub had turned 180 degrees (! - I hadn't even felt it) and was now feet down, so getting the pics of her face was easy. There was even a moment when her whole face just appeared perfectly on screen, almost looking 3D. It was amazing - and very cute. Anyway, the woman doing the scan then went looking for bub's feet. She asked if we got good shots of the feet last time - which we did - but she still spent about 20 minutes trying to get a good clear shot of both feet. It was reassuring in that if she spent that long looking for feet we felt that she really had just been meticulous in the face shots as well.

I guess this is the reality of what the doctors have been saying - that they want to monitor me very closely so that everyone is doing everything they can to make sure another stillbirth doesn't happen. I just wish that didn't involve being asked to go back for second and third ultrasounds. It stresses me out. I just kept thinking that we were so innocent and optimistic about all the scans with Kat. We just kept saying "oh, she's just a bit small" and so on and so on. This time there really was nothing wrong, but I couldn't help but imagine the worst.

Contemplating today how almost anything can get easy with practice.

Rory had a friend over after school yesterday. The boy's mum dropped him off (we hadn't met before) and commented immediately on my pregnancy, asked how everything was going and said "so this is number three?" Without even thinking about it I said "no, number four". I realised straight away that she had only seen two children here, which was why she assumed this was my third child, so I told her that our daughter was stillborn last year so this is number four.

When we first moved here and I was starting to meet people at school the question of how many children we have was just a polite conversation point. The first time I was asked was so difficult to deal with. I started to say that I had two, but I simply couldn't leave it at that. It felt so wrong. So, with my heart pounding and my voice and hands shaking I instead said that I had two children at school and that I'd had a daughter last year who was stillborn, so I have three children.

And now here I am, six months after that and saying that this is my fourth pregnancy and child just rolls off my tongue without thought. It actually takes me a moment to realise that it causes a little confusion when people only see me with two older children.

I saw you in my dreams Kat. I held you.

A few days ago I had the song My Heart Will Go On stuck in my head for days. Not the whole song, just the lines:

Every night in my dreams I see you, I feel you. That is how I know you go on.

Over and over again in my head I heard those words. I've never associated that song with anyone in particular, but it felt like the words were being sent to me. It just felt significant. And then after a couple of days I saw you and I held you. In my dream. I dreamed Daddy and I were at a party, I was pregnant at the same stage I am now and holding a 6 month old baby girl in my arms. I was telling people at the party that this was my fourth pregnancy and that my third child had been stillborn. And yet there was this gorgeous baby girl held close in my arms.

That's what it's like baby girl. I carry you with me everywhere I go.

I love you.