Things still seem to be on a fairly even keel here. Sickness is getting worse with the pregnancy. In a way it's a comfort even though I feel rotten. This is still the best I've ever felt at this stage of pregnancy and earlier on the lack of nausea had me saying "why aren't I sick?" when I've been so sick through all the others. I'm tired and have been getting lots of headaches. Again, they make me feel rotten but it feels normal for me and pregnancy.
We're going to Tamworth for a flying trip this weekend. We just decided last night to go. Michael's been talking about it since my last round of assignments - going down and spending a day at the UNE library getting some books together for my next assignments. We're staying with Dad in Tamworth and the kids will spend Saturday with him while we travel up to Armidale on Saturday. Michael's parents are coming over on the Sunday and we will all meet for brunch. I'm really looking forward to the weekend, but couldn't really be less interested in uni work. I know that I enjoy the work when I do it - but it's so hard to want to do it. I don't know how I would have gone if I had a job I had to return to after losing Kat. I thought that by the time uni started up this year I'd be really wanting to get back into it - but I just don't. The only thing keeping me going with it now is the personal challenge to myself to not give up.
I've noticed that I get more teary about Kat now than I think I did earlier. I mean, early on I would sit and cry, sometimes for hours, but even though I think about Kat every day I haven't really cried every day. Now, it's not so much "crying" as getting teary when I think about her. It seems to happen most often when I'm in the car on the way to get the kids from school. Michael thinks that it's because of school being such a child-related place. I think it might also be some anxiety about crowded places. I still don't handle that too well. The school disco about a month ago was excruciating. The last thing I wanted was to make small talk and laugh.
It feels a little strange sometimes to think that there's another child growing inside me and that we are going to see this one grow up, get to know him/her, have another family member here with us... when we didn't get to do that with Kat. I just keep saying over and over again "please let us keep this one..." Having said that, I still feel really positive about this pregnancy. I know that there's no reason to think that what happened to Kat will happen again. As we were told repeatedly by doctors when she died - from a medical point of view, what happened to her is the best case scenario in the circumstances because there is no fear about another pregnancy ending the same way.
Tuesday, April 27, 2010
Monday, April 19, 2010
It's been a while between posts, mostly because I haven't really had anything to write about. Everything has just been... the same. This is the new normal for me and for us.
I started this blog because I wanted to share our story, to go some way to lifting the secrecy surrounding stillbirth and miscarriage and to offer up an account of living with grief. Not just of the immediacy of the loss and not as a reflection. I wanted to write it all, as it was happening and share some of the myriad thoughts and emotions that happen after a baby dies. I wanted it to continue on past the first couple of months to provide a picture of lives resuming after unimaginable pain and loss. I find I have less to write now though, because I've already said it. I expect that there will continue to be dips and peaks of emotion. The last dip (for the month surrounding Kat's due date) took me by surprise as I thought I had already reached a stage where bad times would be measured in days and not weeks. Now I won't be surprised if that happens again. But nor would I be surprised if it doesn't. I just don't know. What I do know is that every day I miss her. Every day I wish she could have stayed with us. I don't expect that to ever stop or change.
Being pregnant again DOES NOT ease the pain. It does not offer up new hope. That is far too much responsibility to place on the shoulders of a tiny baby. This baby is here for his or her own purpose and is wanted for his or her own sake. It will not bear the burden of healing its parents pain or giving us hope. One of the things we heard repeatedly after Kat died was "you will have another baby one day and that will go some way to healing this pain". But it's not like that at all. I didn't expect it to be and I didn't want it to be - and it's not.
We often see people with prams and say "that will be us soon" and then remember and add "it was supposed to be us now". It's a strange co-existence - that feeling again of having our feet straddling two different worlds.
I think about Kat every day. Sometimes I look at her hand and foot prints or I open the box of her things and gently look at them. Sometimes I remember some of the lovely things people said and did after she died. Mostly I just miss her and I feel *her* - the experience of her - nestled deep in my bones. I haven't been measuring time as closely as I had been. In fact it only just occurred to me that today's the 20th. I don't keep track of how old she would have been, although I don't consider her "age" to be from the date she was delivered; rather if I think about it I think of the time she would have been born if she (and I before her) had never gotten sick. I saw a baby in the shops the other day who looked about the right age to have been born in late February/early March and had a moment of thinking "that would be where we were up to with Kat". It was sad and there was longing, but I also actually enjoyed seeing that baby with her mum.
I don't suppose there's really much point to this post. Just a few reflections five months on.
I started this blog because I wanted to share our story, to go some way to lifting the secrecy surrounding stillbirth and miscarriage and to offer up an account of living with grief. Not just of the immediacy of the loss and not as a reflection. I wanted to write it all, as it was happening and share some of the myriad thoughts and emotions that happen after a baby dies. I wanted it to continue on past the first couple of months to provide a picture of lives resuming after unimaginable pain and loss. I find I have less to write now though, because I've already said it. I expect that there will continue to be dips and peaks of emotion. The last dip (for the month surrounding Kat's due date) took me by surprise as I thought I had already reached a stage where bad times would be measured in days and not weeks. Now I won't be surprised if that happens again. But nor would I be surprised if it doesn't. I just don't know. What I do know is that every day I miss her. Every day I wish she could have stayed with us. I don't expect that to ever stop or change.
Being pregnant again DOES NOT ease the pain. It does not offer up new hope. That is far too much responsibility to place on the shoulders of a tiny baby. This baby is here for his or her own purpose and is wanted for his or her own sake. It will not bear the burden of healing its parents pain or giving us hope. One of the things we heard repeatedly after Kat died was "you will have another baby one day and that will go some way to healing this pain". But it's not like that at all. I didn't expect it to be and I didn't want it to be - and it's not.
We often see people with prams and say "that will be us soon" and then remember and add "it was supposed to be us now". It's a strange co-existence - that feeling again of having our feet straddling two different worlds.
I think about Kat every day. Sometimes I look at her hand and foot prints or I open the box of her things and gently look at them. Sometimes I remember some of the lovely things people said and did after she died. Mostly I just miss her and I feel *her* - the experience of her - nestled deep in my bones. I haven't been measuring time as closely as I had been. In fact it only just occurred to me that today's the 20th. I don't keep track of how old she would have been, although I don't consider her "age" to be from the date she was delivered; rather if I think about it I think of the time she would have been born if she (and I before her) had never gotten sick. I saw a baby in the shops the other day who looked about the right age to have been born in late February/early March and had a moment of thinking "that would be where we were up to with Kat". It was sad and there was longing, but I also actually enjoyed seeing that baby with her mum.
I don't suppose there's really much point to this post. Just a few reflections five months on.
Monday, April 12, 2010
Doctor's appointment was fine. All just routine - which was what I wanted, really. In all three of my other pregnancies I had at least two ultrasounds in the first trimester because of concerns about my babies. So it's nice to be pregnant and not be rushing off for scans because I'm being told that the pregnancy is at risk or I'm being told to not get my hopes up about carrying past a few weeks. On the one hand it would be nice to see a heartbeat and have that reassurance that there really is a space prawn growing into a baby inside me! But routine and normal is nice too.
Thursday, April 8, 2010
Michael and I were discussing our babies before and it occurred to me that our perspectives have shifted since Kat died. There was a bit in her funeral service that I didn't really understand at the time, about grief being a kind of privilege. I think I get it a bit more now. I feel so privileged to have been Kat's mum. Her entire life was lived inside my body. Her entire experience was inside me. I got to experience the sheer joy of sharing my pregnancy with Michael and it was such an incredibly special time. We loved her so much and we had so many dreams for our future family life. Without that love and without those hopes and dreams the grief we feel wouldn't be anywhere near as intense. And so it is a kind of privilege. It reminds us of what we made together, it reminds us that we had a beautiful baby girl who we loved and wanted with all our hearts and it reminds us of love in its purest form. Love for someone not because of our interactions with her or because of the things she said or did, just love for no other reason than that she existed.
I'm so incredibly grateful and feel so lucky to be pregnant again. I dreamed for years of having four children. Then until now I never thought I would get to have four. For a few years I thought there would be three and then for a long time I didn't think I would ever have more than two. When I met Michael I was so excited to think about having another child but despite a brief musing before I was pregnant with Kat that I wouldn't mind having another two I didn't ever really think that there would ever be more than another one. I can't describe how much I wish there was some way we could have both Kat and this baby here with us - I never thought my four children would happen in these circumstances and I certainly wish it was different - and I can't really describe the depth of feeling when I think of that wish. The depth of how futile a wish it is, but wishing it anyway. But how many people get to live out something they dreamed of as a kid?! I feel so lucky.
I'm so incredibly grateful and feel so lucky to be pregnant again. I dreamed for years of having four children. Then until now I never thought I would get to have four. For a few years I thought there would be three and then for a long time I didn't think I would ever have more than two. When I met Michael I was so excited to think about having another child but despite a brief musing before I was pregnant with Kat that I wouldn't mind having another two I didn't ever really think that there would ever be more than another one. I can't describe how much I wish there was some way we could have both Kat and this baby here with us - I never thought my four children would happen in these circumstances and I certainly wish it was different - and I can't really describe the depth of feeling when I think of that wish. The depth of how futile a wish it is, but wishing it anyway. But how many people get to live out something they dreamed of as a kid?! I feel so lucky.
Tuesday, April 6, 2010
It's been a really busy couple of weeks. I had started feeling a little more peaceful just before I wrote last time... and then 11 days ago now I did a positive pregnancy test!
We wanted this pregnancy so much and it comes with an incredible amount of emotion. We cried when we found out. Neither happy tears or sad tears, just overwhelming emotion spilling out. I'm not as scared as I expected to be though. Michael is, but for me I feel excited and content more than anything. I have the usual fear of miscarriage that I've had in now four pregnancies, but that's about all as far as fear goes. It seems that I've separated completely this baby from Kat. I think that all along I haven't seen Kat's death as something that happened to us - it happened to Kat. And that was Kat and this baby is this baby. I am more wary of illness than I was before and I get a bit more nervous when I think ahead to the 18-20 weeks ultrasound though. Still, it's nowhere near what I was expecting to be thinking and feeling in another pregnancy. I just wish with all my heart that there was some way we could have both Kat and this baby here with us. But we can't. Kat is buried deep inside of me, she's etched in my soul and I will carry her and the experience of her with me forever. My forever-baby.
I'm feeling so different than I ever have in any other pregnancy. I'm about 6 weeks and have had waves of nausea most days, but with all the others I was feeling sick all day every day by now. There's one very big difference this time to when I was pregnant with Kat too - I don't have the nervousness in the back of my mind that I had last time every time I told someone I was pregnant. God, I hoped so much that I would never look back and say that I always knew something was wrong in that pregnancy, but I was so nervous about it. That's not there this time, apart from (as I said before) the usual fear of miscarriage in early pregnancy. (Things twist around in circles so much! I wonder if that's the same for everyone?) I'm still swimming and/or walking each day as well and it's given me a whole new mental attitude that I've never had before. I always stop as soon as something gets hard or hurts but when I swim I just keep going no matter how much I want to stop. And now I don't find myself wanting to stop. I like to keep going and I want to keep going. It's spilling over into my everyday life and I really like it.
When I was first pregnant with Rory, Kat and now this baby (Sienna was a complete shock - if these things ever happened with her I didn't notice and I don't remember, I was too busy with an 8 month old baby!), I had strange but beautiful experiences. With Rory I saw a mental picture of my mum (from here on I will use the word "image" rather than mental picture). It had to have been around about when he was conceived, well and truly before I found out I was pregnant. I closed my eyes to go to sleep and saw an image of mum holding a baby wrapped in the christening blanket she made for my brother. Then a couple of weeks later I'd had a song stuck in my head all day without really paying any attention to what the song was. I stopped and thought about it and I was singing "Ziggy Played Guitar" - and I felt so strongly right then that I was pregnant. I'd said for ages that while I was pregnant I was going to call the baby Ziggy until he or she was born. I did a test the next day and it was positive. With Kat I also "saw" mum. I saw an image of mum leading a very old (older than anyone I had ever seen) lady to me by the hand. I "said" to this lady "are you Kathryn?" and she nodded and then melted into my belly, which I then "saw" covered with roses. A while later I had the song "Hey Jude" stuck in my head, especially the line about "under your skin" and I don't know why but as soon as I thought those song words I just knew I was pregnant. Also, Jude was one of my favourite boys names and we had picked it as a middle name to go with Dylan if we had a boy. After Kat died I had a song stuck in my mind that has a line "I am Sagittarius" and really felt that our next baby would be born under that star sign. I also heard the word April when I mentally asked when I would get pregnant - which was out by a few days! It was 27 March when I did the positive test. (Before having Kat I had "asked" when I would be pregnant and saw a mental image of myself on a sunny day in June, which didn't make any sense when we lived in a really cold town, but then I went out walking one day in June, it was actually sunny and it felt like "that day" - sure enough, that's when I got pregnant) A few days before I did the test I closed my eyes to go to sleep and saw two babies in a cot - one a sleeping newborn down the end of the cot and one a bit older (but still a baby) sitting up the top watching the newborn sleep. I opened my eyes and told Michael I want a butterfly sticker on the inside of the cot when we have another baby. I'll put it up the top on the side I saw the baby sitting up. Finally, for a day or so before doing the test I was singing "From Little Things Big Things Grow" and it just felt like the words were telling me something. At the same time, I was trying to ignore any signs that I was pregnant. I so didn't want to get my hopes up only to be disappointed and because I'd "heard" the word April I was telling myself it was going to be next month.
We wanted this pregnancy so much and it comes with an incredible amount of emotion. We cried when we found out. Neither happy tears or sad tears, just overwhelming emotion spilling out. I'm not as scared as I expected to be though. Michael is, but for me I feel excited and content more than anything. I have the usual fear of miscarriage that I've had in now four pregnancies, but that's about all as far as fear goes. It seems that I've separated completely this baby from Kat. I think that all along I haven't seen Kat's death as something that happened to us - it happened to Kat. And that was Kat and this baby is this baby. I am more wary of illness than I was before and I get a bit more nervous when I think ahead to the 18-20 weeks ultrasound though. Still, it's nowhere near what I was expecting to be thinking and feeling in another pregnancy. I just wish with all my heart that there was some way we could have both Kat and this baby here with us. But we can't. Kat is buried deep inside of me, she's etched in my soul and I will carry her and the experience of her with me forever. My forever-baby.
I'm feeling so different than I ever have in any other pregnancy. I'm about 6 weeks and have had waves of nausea most days, but with all the others I was feeling sick all day every day by now. There's one very big difference this time to when I was pregnant with Kat too - I don't have the nervousness in the back of my mind that I had last time every time I told someone I was pregnant. God, I hoped so much that I would never look back and say that I always knew something was wrong in that pregnancy, but I was so nervous about it. That's not there this time, apart from (as I said before) the usual fear of miscarriage in early pregnancy. (Things twist around in circles so much! I wonder if that's the same for everyone?) I'm still swimming and/or walking each day as well and it's given me a whole new mental attitude that I've never had before. I always stop as soon as something gets hard or hurts but when I swim I just keep going no matter how much I want to stop. And now I don't find myself wanting to stop. I like to keep going and I want to keep going. It's spilling over into my everyday life and I really like it.
When I was first pregnant with Rory, Kat and now this baby (Sienna was a complete shock - if these things ever happened with her I didn't notice and I don't remember, I was too busy with an 8 month old baby!), I had strange but beautiful experiences. With Rory I saw a mental picture of my mum (from here on I will use the word "image" rather than mental picture). It had to have been around about when he was conceived, well and truly before I found out I was pregnant. I closed my eyes to go to sleep and saw an image of mum holding a baby wrapped in the christening blanket she made for my brother. Then a couple of weeks later I'd had a song stuck in my head all day without really paying any attention to what the song was. I stopped and thought about it and I was singing "Ziggy Played Guitar" - and I felt so strongly right then that I was pregnant. I'd said for ages that while I was pregnant I was going to call the baby Ziggy until he or she was born. I did a test the next day and it was positive. With Kat I also "saw" mum. I saw an image of mum leading a very old (older than anyone I had ever seen) lady to me by the hand. I "said" to this lady "are you Kathryn?" and she nodded and then melted into my belly, which I then "saw" covered with roses. A while later I had the song "Hey Jude" stuck in my head, especially the line about "under your skin" and I don't know why but as soon as I thought those song words I just knew I was pregnant. Also, Jude was one of my favourite boys names and we had picked it as a middle name to go with Dylan if we had a boy. After Kat died I had a song stuck in my mind that has a line "I am Sagittarius" and really felt that our next baby would be born under that star sign. I also heard the word April when I mentally asked when I would get pregnant - which was out by a few days! It was 27 March when I did the positive test. (Before having Kat I had "asked" when I would be pregnant and saw a mental image of myself on a sunny day in June, which didn't make any sense when we lived in a really cold town, but then I went out walking one day in June, it was actually sunny and it felt like "that day" - sure enough, that's when I got pregnant) A few days before I did the test I closed my eyes to go to sleep and saw two babies in a cot - one a sleeping newborn down the end of the cot and one a bit older (but still a baby) sitting up the top watching the newborn sleep. I opened my eyes and told Michael I want a butterfly sticker on the inside of the cot when we have another baby. I'll put it up the top on the side I saw the baby sitting up. Finally, for a day or so before doing the test I was singing "From Little Things Big Things Grow" and it just felt like the words were telling me something. At the same time, I was trying to ignore any signs that I was pregnant. I so didn't want to get my hopes up only to be disappointed and because I'd "heard" the word April I was telling myself it was going to be next month.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
