I haven't really known where to start writing for the last week or so. I've felt like I was way back in the beginning. Huh, I say "way back" but it was only four months ago. It's not exactly that the pain has been as raw as it was when Kat first died, but the feeling that I'm drowning has been back. I seem to have picked back up again in the last day or so. Tiny steps and one at a time. Getting through a day feeling like I was functioning normally is a good day.

I miss her so much.

This has been a strange month so far. November was all for and about Kat, not just her death but also the hospital visits and the desperate hope that she would be OK. December was a nightmare. January we moved and it was only after the unpacking was done I started to come down out of fight or flight mode and was a mess. February I started to feel really good, physically. Emotionally I was a work in progress but I felt quite calm and peaceful. Not happy, but content. I always knew the due date this month was going to be hard but I didn't expect to go so far down. Every day is still a struggle to get going. I am going, I force myself to get out and walk or swim. I force myself to clean the house or cook a meal. I feel terrible about how much Michael's been doing for me because I'm just sitting on the lounge wallowing. I'm loving swimming but I still have to make myself go. I feel like I'm in limbo, just waiting. I'm waiting for another baby, waiting to get married, waiting for school holidays. I'm still really stressed about the kids and really wanting some time out with Michael. Just one weekend on our own would be nice. I don't know if it's going to happen in the school holidays or not.

Read a comment in the paper today that really upset me. It was that a woman, who works as a stylist, had a self described mini-breakdown after finding out her baby is a boy and not the girl she wanted to dress up as a 'mini-me'. It set my blood boiling and made me want to break down in tears all at once. It's completely insulting to the vast majority of people who honestly don't care what the sex of their child is, who go into their ultrasounds saying 'I just want a healthy baby'. But then, to those of us who have lost a child, it's cruel. None of us would give a toss if we were raising a boy or a girl. A lot of us would even forgo 'so long as it's healthy' and happily take on raising a child with a disability of some kind just to have our baby back in our arms. All of us would give anything just to have one more moment, one more cuddle with our beautiful child who is gone. We will never be the same again. For those of us who have subsequent pregnancies, we will never be pregnant and assume it means we are having a baby. We will never go into an ultrasound with nothing but excitement about seeing our baby. We will always live with the knowledge that our children have a brother or sister who is locked in time, for ever our little baby. Never the child, the young adult, the person they might once have been. Do we care what genetalia that child had? Not for a second. And for those of us who go on to have other children? The question 'what are you having' has the resounding answer of 'A BABY'. The stupid woman and her mini-breakdown should have just gone out and bought a doll instead of subjecting a child to being raised with such a shallow and egotistical person. I mean, my god, you poor thing with all your problems. Your child has a penis and you won't be dressing it in outfits that match your own. Grow up. You make me sick.

Just remembered something amazing that happened when Kat died. As I wrote earlier, we stayed with Michael's aunt when we had to go to Newcastle. She has two very gorgeous dogs (Ash and Cooki) that can be quite excitable and jumpy, especially Cooki. The morning that we were going back to hospital to have Kat I was sitting on a lounge chair with Michael and Ash in the room and when Cooki came in Ash immediately ran over to her, growling and nipping, herding Cooki away from me. Michael said she had done the same thing earlier for him. When we got back from the hospital the next day Ash made quite an effort to come and sit with me - she was quite pushy about it. I thought at first that she was being her usual self, jumping up and so on. But as soon as she was with me she just curled up next to me, turned her head around to look at me and she sat there looking me in the eye. I swear she had tears in her eyes. And the most amazing expression of compassion and sorrow for me. I barely knew this dog, I'd only been in their house twice before. It was absolutely amazing and very touching.

I went for a swim this morning and it occurred to me that when I'm swimming I feel like my body is working and doing what it's supposed to do, which has been a struggle for me since Kat died. I'm up to 16 laps now, four fifths of the way to my goal of 20 laps. And I've lost 2kg this week, which is my goal to lose in a month. I'm pretty pleased with the accomplishment and I feel proud of myself - but I still can't come close to saying I feel 'happy'. I wonder sometimes if I ever will again. Then I think, just not yet. This is Kat's time and she will have it.

I just heard today of another baby who will be stillborn. A friend of my girlfriend - she's been in hospital since her waters broke at almost 24 weeks, but everything seemed to be fine, then suddenly yesterday the baby's heart had stopped. It seems like another day, another lost baby. I was able to talk for quite some time about Kat and lost babies in general without crying though. My heart aches for my little girl but today my heart was just with this person I don't know who is right where we were less than four months ago. Literally. She's in the same hospital. She'll be giving birth in the butterfly room, just like I did. I hope she has the support she'll need.

So, back down today, but on the whole things are looking back up a bit this week. Things have settled more at home with the kids behaviour, which makes such a big difference. It really does seem to be that they act up whenever the focus is on someone else, no matter what that focus is. I don't know if that's kids in general or just mine. Have I spoiled them? Or are they just being kids?

This has been a really tough week. Even though I knew there would be good days and bad days for a really long time to come, I somehow thought I was through the worst of it and that 'bad days' entailed having a cry about Kat. This whole week I've had to force myself to get up and get going each and every day. Yesterday I ended up having an enjoyable day at school in the canteen. I had some really nice company and enjoyed talking with someone new throughout the day. I felt energised by it and really glad that I went, when all I had wanted was to blow it off. The only reason I went was that I had to cancel last time due to having Sienna home with chicken pox and I didn't want to cancel twice in a row. I took it as a life lesson that it ended up being a good day. I felt so much better last night that it was easy to think that I'd gotten through another slump and would keep on feeling better. But today I feel worse. I'm feeling really anxious and panicky in crowds or in traffic. I hate being like that. I was like it for so long and hated it - I don't want to be back there. I'm so tired and never feel like I get enough sleep. And I'm really feeling the weight of my responsibilities. I really want a break from the kids for a while and I get so upset by feeling like that. I feel terrible that while I'm mourning the death of my daughter I want some space from my other children. I feel like I should just be grateful to have them. Michael tells me that there is no right and wrong and to not feel guilty for whatever it is I feel, but I can't help it. They're really getting me down and I feel completely inadequate as a mother. I've put my entire heart and soul into those kids for such a long time - certainly since I was pregnant with Rory and even before that. As soon as I started trying to get pregnant it was my whole focus and that was 12 years ago now. I stopped working at 8 weeks pregnant (circumstances at the time) and chose to stay home with my babies. I went to tafe when Rory started school three years ago saying that it was my time for me after making my children my entire focus for the previous six years. Then I ended my marriage and went to uni. Even though I've done a lot for myself by moving, studying, having a relationship, I also feel like the kids have gone back to being a full-time job. Getting them through my separation/divorce, seeing them settled and happy has been full-time work. I've kept them talking to me, I've pulled them through time after time. We've witnessed horrible tantrums, distressing behaviour, get subjected daily to moods and bad attitudes. Michael gives me so much support and that in itself is both something I struggle a little with and something that is central to our relationship. I struggle because they are my biological children and he has taken them on so whole heartedly while their father has made himself more and more absent. It's central to our relationship because we are such a strong team. We make all our decisions together and we get through everything together. We talk pretty much daily about the kids - what they need, what's happening for them, how they are, how they're behaving, what's going on at school. We talk about discipline and rewards and are both involved in every aspect of their lives. Sienna especially treats him so badly sometimes but no matter how much it brings him down he never gives up. I count myself so incredibly lucky to have a partner like that and for my kids to have a man like that in their lives. As for any struggles I've had accepting that (and also accepting complete financial support) from someone who is not their father, Michael tells me that he had a choice. He knew as soon as he knew me that I had two children. If he didn't want to be a step-father he didn't have to get involved with me - but he wanted to be with me and so he is a step-dad and all that comes with it. He told me when he had known them for about two months that he loved them and couldn't imagine that he could possibly care more about a child that happened to be his biologically. OK, starting to get off track and rave (brag) about my wonderful man. I was saying that I've put my whole heart and soul into being their mum and then into getting them through their parents' break-up and my choice to move and have a new relationship. I've ALWAYS maintained discipline and boundaries but I'm sometimes seeing two very spoiled and unpleasant children. They can't stand not being the centre of my attention and as a result whenever someone else has something going on they act out. They do it on our birthdays, mothers and fathers days, when I'm sick and now when I have bad times after Kathryn. I feel like I've spoiled them and failed them. At the same time I have so little in me to give at the moment, I just want a break. Most of the time I tell myself that other people don't get breaks from their kids and that a lot of other people also don't have the support at home that I have. Today though I'm indulging in feeling the unfairness of my situation. Why do I (albeit with Michael) have to be the one who is solely responsible? Why does their father get to say no to having them with him? I love those kids more than I can say and I want the whole world for them. I feel so lucky to be seeing these children grow up and find themselves. I'm so proud of so many wonderful things about them. I feel so awful for feeling weighed down by my responsibility to them...but I do.

Due date. I was expecting it to be hard and it has been. It's been raining since yesterday and it seems fitting. The weather matches us today. We got out of the house and saw a movie then had a really nice lunch at a new place we saw on the weekend. We wanted a quiet day but we didn't want to just be at home and we didn't want to wander around a shopping centre. I've been in tears on and off and I've had moments of feeling like I'm drowning. Where it seemed impossible that I was up and walking around and functioning. If Michael hadn't been with me today I don't think I would have made it out of bed. I don't like to think of how today would have been if we were each on our own. If he had been going about a normal work day. As he says, we don't have to find out what that would be like.
A friend of mine from school lost her dad over the weekend and his funeral is today. I keep thinking that we're certainly not the only ones going through something very difficult today.