It seems that every body has its breaking point; I reached mine yesterday and it was a boil on my leg. Actually, I'm not sure if it was the boil or the tiny cut on my little toe.
It made a lot more sense when I did a quick re-cap on the last 15 months: anxiety for our sick baby; grief; trauma x 2 (sudden end of business partnership and car accident); moving; change of climate increasing asthma to point where I need medication every day; pregnancy - not just pregnancy but one fraught with grief and anxiety as well as symphisis and insomnia; emergency caesarean; infection; effects of antibiotics on my newborn baby (upset tummy, unsettled, grizzly, not sleeping); ongoing bleeding from bladder; very painful haemorrhoids; a boil and to top it all off MY LITTLE TOE HURTS.
I feel like a punching bag and the blows just keep on coming.
It's school holidays and I can't sleep during the day with Rory and Sienna home.
Caira's taken to waking up at about 9.30pm and taking 2 hours to settle again, so I haven't been getting to sleep until about midnight. Even though looking after the kids isn't hard work as such (older ones entertain themselves, I don't need to "do" much for them and Caira really only needs feeding, changing, bathing and cuddling at the moment) I'm emotionally and physically exhausted.
The good news (for me) is that once upon a time I would have crumpled to the floor in a sobbing heap. Last night Michael hugged me and I quietly cried a few tears. We went to bed early (well, 10.00 instead of midnight) and I only woke up once, at 12.45 to feed Caira. Was completely oblivious to the fact that Michael was up with her for 3 hours after that, about 2.5 hours of which he was lying in our bed with her. Slept right through it. I felt awful that he'd been up so long but so very, very grateful that I slept. I know I wasn't up to being up last night. Michael told me all through the pregnancy that he wanted to be up with her through the night to let me sleep as much as possible. He wanted to take as much of the load off me as he could. (I kept telling him that since I would be breast feeding there wasn't much he would be able to do through the night, plus unlike him I can sleep during the day.) It still kind of surprises me after almost three years whenever I see him DO the things he SAYS. Not because it happens rarely - it happens all the time. I've just never known anyone else who DOES so much.
In a completely unrelated matter - I got an email from uni last week about my grade point average. Obviously mine is too low. I didn't complete second semester last year or first semester this year before taking an intermission for 18 months. I got an email stating that I needed to present a case to the uni for why I should be allowed to continue studying. I told them that I was on an intermission; that in first semester this year I was resuming study after complications in my pregnancy resulted in the stillbirth of my daughter but that I had found myself unable to keep up with my study due to grief combined with a subsequent pregnancy. (I got an email back saying I was fine to resume study in 2012 and that the email had been sent due to an automated system.) I cried and cried and cried. I hate still dealing with fallout from Kat's death. Daily (and forever) grief is something I've come to accept. Most days it's just a knot of awareness in the back of my mind that someone is missing. But then every now and then I have to more actively deal with it and it breaks the wound wide open again. I miss her so much. I wish so much that we could have all three of our girls with us.
Tuesday, December 21, 2010
Friday, December 10, 2010
It's taken 10 days to get the chance to post this, but....
CAIRA IS HERE!!!!!!!!!!
She was born by emergency caesarean on Wednesday 1st December, her due date. My waters broke (in an absolute flood all around the house!) around 10.00 the night before. I'd been having irregular contractions for a few hours previously and almost as soon as we were in the car on our way to hospital they started coming every three minutes although only mild. I was in very early labour on arrival at hospital and five hours later, stretched out in a warm bath with essential oils and Michael brushing my hair, just as I was thinking that the last couple had been much stronger, contractions... just... stopped. We ended up getting a couple of hours sleep before I was induced in the morning. Contractions started again and I was assessed by the obstetrician who found that Caira's head was down but sitting high in the pelvis. It had been very low the night before. I was instructed to remain upright to allow gravity to help her come down. I spent the next three hours going between standing and swaying (sometimes with Michael behind me, his hands on my hips giving my back his body heat) and sitting on the birthing ball, leaning forward on the bed. It caused excruciating pelvic pain though, having to sit with legs apart in order to lean forward so I would sit until I couldn't stand it anymore and then stand until I couldn't stay on my feet anymore. Somewhere in there I saw the doctor again and Caira had turned sideways. Just before midday, after labouring for three hours and as I was requesting an epidural, the doctor came in to do another scan to check Caira's position. She was head down again. Immediately after the scan I went to the toilet and the doctor stayed in the room to do another scan when my bladder was empty. In just that few minutes, Caira turned around to breach. At that point, and with me lying there saying "just get her out, just get her out" the doctor ordered a Caesarean due to an unstable lie. Because my waters had broken there was no way for the doctor to turn Caira around again and even if she did turn there was no guarantee at that point with all her movement that she would stay in any one position.
So, an hour and a half later I had experienced the extreme weirdness that is feeling pressure and pulling on my insides, hearing snipping and knowing it was my body being cut but not feeling any pain and there we were in the operating theatre and listening to Caira's first cry. When we heard that sound we both burst into cry-laughter. We were holding hands, looking at each other and waiting to catch sight of our daughter and I was saying "she's alive, she's alive, we did it, she's breathing, she's crying, she's alive!" In that moment, despite those words, I wasn't actively thinking of Kat. This was Caira's moment and I was so excited to meet her. My over-riding emotion was utter excitement.
Caira was taken by the paediatrician for a check and Michael cut the cord. His first words when he saw her were "she's absolutely gorgeous". Nurses were telling me how big she was, that they thought she would be over 4kg. Finally, all wrapped in a blanket, Caira was laid down on my shoulder and Michael and I sat/lay together looking at our daughter. Her eyes were shut tight and she kept trying to open them but not doing it. A nurse came and shielded her eyes from the theatre lights and she opened them; we both saw that her eyes were the exact same colour as mine. She closed them again and the next time she opened them they were dark blue. Her hair looked red but once the vernix dried it was much fairer, more blond. It has started to fall out now and what's left is darkening. In some light it still looks red though. All in all she looks very much like me. And she wasn't over 4kg - she was 3768g or 8 pound 3.
She has been a dream baby so far. In her first week she had the usual second night feed and scream fest that they all have but otherwise she went five to six hours between night feeds every night and two to four hours during the day. She rarely cries - although when she does she really lets us know about it! The kid is loud! When we pick her up we could swear she's smiling. Michael's mum said the same thing. Her mouth kind of opens, her eyes shine and her whole face glows. One thing I have never, ever seen or heard any other newborn do... we will often go to check on her in the bassinette and she will be wide awake, just lying there happily looking at the side of her bed with her hand outstretched. The first time I saw it I was sure that my vision from all those months ago was true - both my girls in the one cot, one a newborn and the other a little older but still a baby sitting up on the left side (as I look at her) of her sister's head watching her.
The main other thing to write about now is that I was readmitted to hospital after a day and a half at home with an infection. I've been on antibiotics for a few days now and they've unsettled Caira, but nothing we can't deal with. She's crying a bit more and wanting more feeds but we are fine.
All in all she is an absolute delight. She's a beautiful girl in every way and we are so much in love with her.
CAIRA IS HERE!!!!!!!!!!
She was born by emergency caesarean on Wednesday 1st December, her due date. My waters broke (in an absolute flood all around the house!) around 10.00 the night before. I'd been having irregular contractions for a few hours previously and almost as soon as we were in the car on our way to hospital they started coming every three minutes although only mild. I was in very early labour on arrival at hospital and five hours later, stretched out in a warm bath with essential oils and Michael brushing my hair, just as I was thinking that the last couple had been much stronger, contractions... just... stopped. We ended up getting a couple of hours sleep before I was induced in the morning. Contractions started again and I was assessed by the obstetrician who found that Caira's head was down but sitting high in the pelvis. It had been very low the night before. I was instructed to remain upright to allow gravity to help her come down. I spent the next three hours going between standing and swaying (sometimes with Michael behind me, his hands on my hips giving my back his body heat) and sitting on the birthing ball, leaning forward on the bed. It caused excruciating pelvic pain though, having to sit with legs apart in order to lean forward so I would sit until I couldn't stand it anymore and then stand until I couldn't stay on my feet anymore. Somewhere in there I saw the doctor again and Caira had turned sideways. Just before midday, after labouring for three hours and as I was requesting an epidural, the doctor came in to do another scan to check Caira's position. She was head down again. Immediately after the scan I went to the toilet and the doctor stayed in the room to do another scan when my bladder was empty. In just that few minutes, Caira turned around to breach. At that point, and with me lying there saying "just get her out, just get her out" the doctor ordered a Caesarean due to an unstable lie. Because my waters had broken there was no way for the doctor to turn Caira around again and even if she did turn there was no guarantee at that point with all her movement that she would stay in any one position.
So, an hour and a half later I had experienced the extreme weirdness that is feeling pressure and pulling on my insides, hearing snipping and knowing it was my body being cut but not feeling any pain and there we were in the operating theatre and listening to Caira's first cry. When we heard that sound we both burst into cry-laughter. We were holding hands, looking at each other and waiting to catch sight of our daughter and I was saying "she's alive, she's alive, we did it, she's breathing, she's crying, she's alive!" In that moment, despite those words, I wasn't actively thinking of Kat. This was Caira's moment and I was so excited to meet her. My over-riding emotion was utter excitement.
Caira was taken by the paediatrician for a check and Michael cut the cord. His first words when he saw her were "she's absolutely gorgeous". Nurses were telling me how big she was, that they thought she would be over 4kg. Finally, all wrapped in a blanket, Caira was laid down on my shoulder and Michael and I sat/lay together looking at our daughter. Her eyes were shut tight and she kept trying to open them but not doing it. A nurse came and shielded her eyes from the theatre lights and she opened them; we both saw that her eyes were the exact same colour as mine. She closed them again and the next time she opened them they were dark blue. Her hair looked red but once the vernix dried it was much fairer, more blond. It has started to fall out now and what's left is darkening. In some light it still looks red though. All in all she looks very much like me. And she wasn't over 4kg - she was 3768g or 8 pound 3.
She has been a dream baby so far. In her first week she had the usual second night feed and scream fest that they all have but otherwise she went five to six hours between night feeds every night and two to four hours during the day. She rarely cries - although when she does she really lets us know about it! The kid is loud! When we pick her up we could swear she's smiling. Michael's mum said the same thing. Her mouth kind of opens, her eyes shine and her whole face glows. One thing I have never, ever seen or heard any other newborn do... we will often go to check on her in the bassinette and she will be wide awake, just lying there happily looking at the side of her bed with her hand outstretched. The first time I saw it I was sure that my vision from all those months ago was true - both my girls in the one cot, one a newborn and the other a little older but still a baby sitting up on the left side (as I look at her) of her sister's head watching her.
The main other thing to write about now is that I was readmitted to hospital after a day and a half at home with an infection. I've been on antibiotics for a few days now and they've unsettled Caira, but nothing we can't deal with. She's crying a bit more and wanting more feeds but we are fine.
All in all she is an absolute delight. She's a beautiful girl in every way and we are so much in love with her.
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