Sienna's getting pretty well smothered with chicken pox! She's such a drama queen about it, I think I'm going to have to buy her a crown! She's much sicker today than yesterday but still not wanting to have a sleep. Which is a pity because I could do with some more sleep myself. No point trying if Sienna's awake though.
Our internet's been slow the last several days so my uni stuff hasn't been loading, but it's back up properly again today. I need to get reading for English, but have to prioritise the reading list which I can't do without seeing the order of assignment. I must admit it does feel kind of nice to be getting back into study. Let's wait and see how long the enthusiasm lasts!
Some more thoughts on grief from the days after Kat died:
That there is no right and wrong to grieving. Everyone reacts differently and you will never know what your reaction will be until it happens. And it may be a different reaction each time. When Mum died I was very private about my grief and it only came out when I was alone. With Kat, in the first days I just cried no matter where I was and no matter if anyone was there or not. As days stretched to weeks I became more withdrawn, but the pain was getting locked up inside. I would feel overwhelmed by sadness and want to cry but no tears would come. It was only when I lay in Michael's arms that the tears came and I would sob out my grief. It was very strange for me to share that much pain and emotion with someone rather than keep it all inside.
After my baby died inside my body I needed to see that my body still worked. I wanted to feel healthy, to eat well and exercise. But mostly that need came out in, well, sex with Michael. Those first couple of weeks were the only time I ever found myself saying that I needed him. Even now I will tell him I want him, but I don't think in terms of needing him or anyone. He has always told me he needs me but I didn't ever want to feel like I needed anyone. I didn't want to be needed. I wanted to have a relationship with someone for no other reason than that we wanted each other. I didn't particularly like feeling that I needed someone but there it was. Looking back though I don't see it as a negative thing. He was the only other person in the world who was mourning Kat as their daughter. She was many other things - sister, granddaughter, niece, friend - but we were the only two people who had just lost a daughter.
I had a lot of questions that will never be answered. First and foremost - did my baby girl feel any pain? Did she know that her body had stopped? Was she struggling? Did she get squashed up and uncomfortable? It's the thing that tears at my heart, the question of whether my girl was in pain for 10 weeks while we were willing her to live. We had so much hope for her but we know now that she didn't stand a chance. It happened too early in the pregnancy for there to be any help for her.