For the first time in a long time I'm feeling...OK. I wouldn't go so far as to say "happy" but I'm OK. I'm content.
I feel a bit like I'm straddling parallel universes. I have one foot on a world in which I'm still the same person. I still think and feel the same way, my ideals and beliefs are the same. I'm still me. But then I have the other foot on this other world in which I will never be the same again. Kat, as well as the experience of having and losing her, is nestled deep inside me and sits right beside my soul. I've always been an optimistic person. I always hope for the best. I see the best. I trust people. And yes I use the terms "optimistic" and "trusting". A pessimist would call me "naive" and "gullible". In fact, would and has. Pessimistic people can look down on me and my optimism all they like, but I will certainly never look up to them. There's a series of poems (poems? stories?) that Michael and his mum talk about called "Innocence and Experience". I haven't read them - although I will - but from what I've heard, this reminds me of the concept. I look back on the seven weeks between being alerted to concerns about Kat's growth and her death and it was Innocence. It seems so pitiful and useless now. The time since her death is Experience. Everything that happened before then seems like it happened under a veil. I feel like a different person now. But also not. After all, I'm still an optimist.
That sounds really confused and twisting around. That's what much of the last three months has been like. Every day has just been about functioning. Every day we have to remind ourselves of what we need to achieve that day and we put one foot in front of the other to get it done. It's only in the quiet moments in between that we can stop and feel and then there are so many different things to feel. Taking care of the kids takes up the majority of my time and effort. Right from the very start I have had to just keep on going because they still needed me. We had offers from lovely people to take them for a few days whenever we needed some time on our own and that was much appreciated. I even took my niece up on it once (my niece is awesome). Now though, there's no option. The kids are with us (where they belong) and that's that. I wouldn't for a second be without them, but I have at times resented the lack of time out. I have made an effort though to take a little time. I went for a beautiful massage a few weeks ago and go out walking or swimming on my own. The thing that's really lacking is time alone with my partner. But then, we've never had much of that. This is life as normal. Just every now and then I'd like a little break from normal. Normal has become very painful a lot of the time.