It's three months today since I had Kat. It doesn't feel right to say "since she died" because we don't know exactly when her heart stopped and we found out the day before she was delivered that she had passed away. Somehow it also doesn't seem quite right to say "since she was born" either. The 20th November won't be either birthday or the anniversary of her death; it will simply be Kat's day. And I guess I'll always refer to the 20th as when we had her.
We've only marked the 20ths with quiet recognition to each other so far but I want to do something with the kids like a toast to Kat over dinner. It's only in the first year or so after a death that time is marked in terms of months and I don't particularly want to make it a monthly ritual but I feel like it's about time to do something as a family to memorialise her. We have a couple of special things we will always do together in memory of Kat. Every year it's our Christmas tradition for each family member to buy a new decoration for the tree. (I love the idea that over time our tree will be a representation of all the different stages of our lives) I didn't want to be buying a decoration for Kat every year but we bought a beautiful butterfly decoration that will go on the tree each year just underneath the star and that we will all know as Kat's butterfly. And each year on the 20th November we plan to buy a new rose plant and have a rose garden.