The due date's looming - only two days to go now, the final countdown. Throughout the pregnancy I had in mind that Kat would be born some time in February, so I'm lost in the thought that we would have been holding our little girl by now. We thought she was going to require specialist treatment at birth, probably for quite some time, so I keep picturing our baby sick with tubes going into her. While part of me will always wish she was here I wouldn't have wanted her to suffer. We would have done everything we could for our girl but ultimately I only ever wanted her to have a happy healthy life.
I've come across a couple of women online who lost babies around the same time Kat died. Every time I speak to other people who have gone through this I'm reminded again of how supportive and comforting it is to know that we are not alone. Someone told me when Kat died that I had joined a very special club. Everyone I know who has lost a baby has a very different story. We all respond differently to different situations, such as seeing babies or hearing about other people's pregnancies, and no one ever knows before experiencing it how they will react. Sometimes the reaction might be different from one day to the next. But we all have the common experience. We all just know. My friend who referred to it as a club said that she could sit and hold my hand and not say a single word but we would both just know. That's what it's like.
My reaction to other babies has been kind of interesting. That's not exactly the right word, but I can't think of another one. I've been fine with the babies of people I know. It's the ones I see in the street that tear at my heart. Most other people I know are the other way around. I couldn't say I'm my normal self around babies. I don't rush to pick them up as I usually would, but I can pick them up and have cuddles and it's OK. I cried seeing pictures of Michael's cousin's new baby last week, but that was an epic pregnancy and the baby's growth had slowed - just like Kat. Their daughter passed away days after birth a few years ago and I was convinced they were about to go through the same thing all over again. I can't begin to imagine how I would cope with this twice. I was so happy and relieved that their girl was born safe and well, but when I saw pictures of her the tears came tumbling down.