This has been a strange month so far. November was all for and about Kat, not just her death but also the hospital visits and the desperate hope that she would be OK. December was a nightmare. January we moved and it was only after the unpacking was done I started to come down out of fight or flight mode and was a mess. February I started to feel really good, physically. Emotionally I was a work in progress but I felt quite calm and peaceful. Not happy, but content. I always knew the due date this month was going to be hard but I didn't expect to go so far down. Every day is still a struggle to get going. I am going, I force myself to get out and walk or swim. I force myself to clean the house or cook a meal. I feel terrible about how much Michael's been doing for me because I'm just sitting on the lounge wallowing. I'm loving swimming but I still have to make myself go. I feel like I'm in limbo, just waiting. I'm waiting for another baby, waiting to get married, waiting for school holidays. I'm still really stressed about the kids and really wanting some time out with Michael. Just one weekend on our own would be nice. I don't know if it's going to happen in the school holidays or not.