This has been a really tough week. Even though I knew there would be good days and bad days for a really long time to come, I somehow thought I was through the worst of it and that 'bad days' entailed having a cry about Kat. This whole week I've had to force myself to get up and get going each and every day. Yesterday I ended up having an enjoyable day at school in the canteen. I had some really nice company and enjoyed talking with someone new throughout the day. I felt energised by it and really glad that I went, when all I had wanted was to blow it off. The only reason I went was that I had to cancel last time due to having Sienna home with chicken pox and I didn't want to cancel twice in a row. I took it as a life lesson that it ended up being a good day. I felt so much better last night that it was easy to think that I'd gotten through another slump and would keep on feeling better. But today I feel worse. I'm feeling really anxious and panicky in crowds or in traffic. I hate being like that. I was like it for so long and hated it - I don't want to be back there. I'm so tired and never feel like I get enough sleep. And I'm really feeling the weight of my responsibilities. I really want a break from the kids for a while and I get so upset by feeling like that. I feel terrible that while I'm mourning the death of my daughter I want some space from my other children. I feel like I should just be grateful to have them. Michael tells me that there is no right and wrong and to not feel guilty for whatever it is I feel, but I can't help it. They're really getting me down and I feel completely inadequate as a mother. I've put my entire heart and soul into those kids for such a long time - certainly since I was pregnant with Rory and even before that. As soon as I started trying to get pregnant it was my whole focus and that was 12 years ago now. I stopped working at 8 weeks pregnant (circumstances at the time) and chose to stay home with my babies. I went to tafe when Rory started school three years ago saying that it was my time for me after making my children my entire focus for the previous six years. Then I ended my marriage and went to uni. Even though I've done a lot for myself by moving, studying, having a relationship, I also feel like the kids have gone back to being a full-time job. Getting them through my separation/divorce, seeing them settled and happy has been full-time work. I've kept them talking to me, I've pulled them through time after time. We've witnessed horrible tantrums, distressing behaviour, get subjected daily to moods and bad attitudes. Michael gives me so much support and that in itself is both something I struggle a little with and something that is central to our relationship. I struggle because they are my biological children and he has taken them on so whole heartedly while their father has made himself more and more absent. It's central to our relationship because we are such a strong team. We make all our decisions together and we get through everything together. We talk pretty much daily about the kids - what they need, what's happening for them, how they are, how they're behaving, what's going on at school. We talk about discipline and rewards and are both involved in every aspect of their lives. Sienna especially treats him so badly sometimes but no matter how much it brings him down he never gives up. I count myself so incredibly lucky to have a partner like that and for my kids to have a man like that in their lives. As for any struggles I've had accepting that (and also accepting complete financial support) from someone who is not their father, Michael tells me that he had a choice. He knew as soon as he knew me that I had two children. If he didn't want to be a step-father he didn't have to get involved with me - but he wanted to be with me and so he is a step-dad and all that comes with it. He told me when he had known them for about two months that he loved them and couldn't imagine that he could possibly care more about a child that happened to be his biologically. OK, starting to get off track and rave (brag) about my wonderful man. I was saying that I've put my whole heart and soul into being their mum and then into getting them through their parents' break-up and my choice to move and have a new relationship. I've ALWAYS maintained discipline and boundaries but I'm sometimes seeing two very spoiled and unpleasant children. They can't stand not being the centre of my attention and as a result whenever someone else has something going on they act out. They do it on our birthdays, mothers and fathers days, when I'm sick and now when I have bad times after Kathryn. I feel like I've spoiled them and failed them. At the same time I have so little in me to give at the moment, I just want a break. Most of the time I tell myself that other people don't get breaks from their kids and that a lot of other people also don't have the support at home that I have. Today though I'm indulging in feeling the unfairness of my situation. Why do I (albeit with Michael) have to be the one who is solely responsible? Why does their father get to say no to having them with him? I love those kids more than I can say and I want the whole world for them. I feel so lucky to be seeing these children grow up and find themselves. I'm so proud of so many wonderful things about them. I feel so awful for feeling weighed down by my responsibility to them...but I do.