Mother's Day

So it's Mother's Day today. It's a bittersweet one. Looking back over the last few: three years ago I had just found out about things Rick was doing and saying when I wasn't around, I would say that we'd been fighting for two days but really it was me crying and him ignoring me while feeling smug that my tears were proof of why he was justified in doing the things he did and on the Saturday night I told him that the kids were excited about Mother's Day the next day so we would have the day and then he would pack and leave on Monday. The only resolution that night ended up being that we weren't separating but he still wouldn't talk to me or acknowledge that we had been fighting/not talking for a year. I barely slept for the next two weeks before making the final split. Two years ago he was rostered off on Sundays in May so the kids were going to his place on Saturday nights. He offered to give up that Sunday so they could be with me on Mother's Day but because there was only that one month that they could see him each week I didn't want them to miss out on one. We did Mother's Day on the Saturday instead. I had been seeing Michael and it had been during the week before that we had said we were together and he met the kids. So I had a brand new honey so that was exciting but he went away for the weekend and I was on my own. With period pain. Last year I was in the process of moving in with Michael. It was a gorgeous sunny Sunday morning, as only sunny Sundays in the place we lived in last year can be. I was wrapped up in a new super-soft gown, had a new book to read. A yummy breakfast. I had a whole new chapter opening up before me. I knew we would be trying for a baby by the end of the year and I was so excited to think that the following Mother's Day I might be pregnant. Then of course, we started trying a few months earlier than planned and it happened immediately, so I was looking forward to already having another baby by Mother's Day this year. And now here we are. I'm 10 weeks pregnant and so very happy about it. Even though it's very early, I've been feeling little tickles in the same spot for the last few days and I'm sure it's our baby. Every day I am so thankful for the people I have in my life. I feel like my life is so incredibly rich and it's because of the love I give and receive every day. For me, it really is my family that fulfills my soul in a way that nothing else can. The losses I've experienced seem to make me appreciate what I have all the more rather than just make me sad for what's gone. But..... god I miss our girl. I wish with all my heart and soul, knowing it's the most futile thing I can do, that there was some way we could have had both Kat and this baby here. This child is always going to know that having them was my wish and dream to have four children come true. I would never want them to think or feel for one moment that they wouldn't be here if Kat had survived. But.... I miss her.