Things still seem to be on a fairly even keel here. Sickness is getting worse with the pregnancy. In a way it's a comfort even though I feel rotten. This is still the best I've ever felt at this stage of pregnancy and earlier on the lack of nausea had me saying "why aren't I sick?" when I've been so sick through all the others. I'm tired and have been getting lots of headaches. Again, they make me feel rotten but it feels normal for me and pregnancy.

We're going to Tamworth for a flying trip this weekend. We just decided last night to go. Michael's been talking about it since my last round of assignments - going down and spending a day at the UNE library getting some books together for my next assignments. We're staying with Dad in Tamworth and the kids will spend Saturday with him while we travel up to Armidale on Saturday. Michael's parents are coming over on the Sunday and we will all meet for brunch. I'm really looking forward to the weekend, but couldn't really be less interested in uni work. I know that I enjoy the work when I do it - but it's so hard to want to do it. I don't know how I would have gone if I had a job I had to return to after losing Kat. I thought that by the time uni started up this year I'd be really wanting to get back into it - but I just don't. The only thing keeping me going with it now is the personal challenge to myself to not give up.

I've noticed that I get more teary about Kat now than I think I did earlier. I mean, early on I would sit and cry, sometimes for hours, but even though I think about Kat every day I haven't really cried every day. Now, it's not so much "crying" as getting teary when I think about her. It seems to happen most often when I'm in the car on the way to get the kids from school. Michael thinks that it's because of school being such a child-related place. I think it might also be some anxiety about crowded places. I still don't handle that too well. The school disco about a month ago was excruciating. The last thing I wanted was to make small talk and laugh.

It feels a little strange sometimes to think that there's another child growing inside me and that we are going to see this one grow up, get to know him/her, have another family member here with us... when we didn't get to do that with Kat. I just keep saying over and over again "please let us keep this one..." Having said that, I still feel really positive about this pregnancy. I know that there's no reason to think that what happened to Kat will happen again. As we were told repeatedly by doctors when she died - from a medical point of view, what happened to her is the best case scenario in the circumstances because there is no fear about another pregnancy ending the same way.