Michael and I were discussing our babies before and it occurred to me that our perspectives have shifted since Kat died. There was a bit in her funeral service that I didn't really understand at the time, about grief being a kind of privilege. I think I get it a bit more now. I feel so privileged to have been Kat's mum. Her entire life was lived inside my body. Her entire experience was inside me. I got to experience the sheer joy of sharing my pregnancy with Michael and it was such an incredibly special time. We loved her so much and we had so many dreams for our future family life. Without that love and without those hopes and dreams the grief we feel wouldn't be anywhere near as intense. And so it is a kind of privilege. It reminds us of what we made together, it reminds us that we had a beautiful baby girl who we loved and wanted with all our hearts and it reminds us of love in its purest form. Love for someone not because of our interactions with her or because of the things she said or did, just love for no other reason than that she existed.

I'm so incredibly grateful and feel so lucky to be pregnant again. I dreamed for years of having four children. Then until now I never thought I would get to have four. For a few years I thought there would be three and then for a long time I didn't think I would ever have more than two. When I met Michael I was so excited to think about having another child but despite a brief musing before I was pregnant with Kat that I wouldn't mind having another two I didn't ever really think that there would ever be more than another one. I can't describe how much I wish there was some way we could have both Kat and this baby here with us - I never thought my four children would happen in these circumstances and I certainly wish it was different - and I can't really describe the depth of feeling when I think of that wish. The depth of how futile a wish it is, but wishing it anyway. But how many people get to live out something they dreamed of as a kid?! I feel so lucky.