I've been struggling again the last few days. The Remembrance Day last Friday seemed to bring grief back out a bit. I tried all day to think of it as a beautiful, positive day - which it was - but I was just so sad all day as well and haven't really picked back up since. It's 11 months today since Kat's stillbirth, so the anniversary is looming and this time last year we were in the thick of doctor's appointments, ultrasounds, tests, worry and uncertainty. It's also coming very close to the anniversary of my Mum's death - 1 November - and I'm feeling it. I very rarely cry about Mum anymore. This year is 21 years since she died. I miss her all the time, but it's been a long time since I actually cried about her. I'm feeling it this year though.

Physically I'm struggling too. I have symphisis again, which I thought for a while I'd managed to escape this pregnancy but all the lower back and hip pain I've had for most of the pregnancy are connected to it. It just took a bit longer this time for it to show up in the pubic bone area. (Charming, I know.) I've had pain from scoliosis for the first time in about 13 years as well so my entire back is really sore. I'm not sleeping very well because of it all, which makes everything else so much harder to deal with. And now, after finally getting my asthma under control with the right dosage of medication, it's playing up again. I'm fairly sure it's due to simply being at this stage of pregnancy, with bub squashing my lungs so much more. There are times I stand up and am unable to take a step. My body just freezes up in pain. All I can do is keep on breathing and wait this out. As the doctor said today, the only cure is childbirth.

I hadn't been too bad with anxiety in this pregnancy, especially in recent weeks. There have of course been some things that have been hard to deal with - breaking out in eczema at 15 weeks (all I saw at first was a red rash at 15 weeks - panic stations), that ultrasound where I was asked to come back after lunch and I didn't know what they were seeing or not seeing, getting to and past 25 weeks and going through a stage where I had trouble believing this baby was still alive or that she would be for much longer. This time there's not really any one thing I can point to as being the cause for me to feel anxious. If anything, perhaps now I'm getting to the later stages (34 weeks today) and bub's movements are starting to slow as she runs out of room I'm worrying about the decrease in movement. I know all too well what it's like to have a baby stop moving inside me. It's not an alarming slow down of movement, she has fairly regular awake times and there's no doubt I feel her throughout the day. It's just that there is a little less now than a couple of weeks ago. Also I had some contractions over the weekend, regular ones for about three hours. The same thing happened twice with Rory and I was admitted to hospital both times, at 32 and 36 weeks, then he ended up being born at 41 weeks. These contractions, while regular and getting closer together, weren't increasing in strength so I went to bed and they stopped then after about half an hour. Caira's heartbeat sounded the same nice, steady way it always does and she was moving the whole time so I wasn't particularly worried about her but I've been worried ever since about premature labour. At 34 weeks I'm sure she'd be fine, but I don't want her going into a humidicrib when she's born. I want her with me for cuddles. On that issue at least, I did get some good news today. The doctor told me that from the report of the last ultrasound, my cervical length was 3.5cm and that anything above 3cm precludes pre-term labour.