I had another ultrasound this morning and I'm riding the high of it going really well and being free from anxiety for another day. I knew I was nervous before having it (have been for five weeks, ever since I was referred for it) but I don't think I realised just how stressed I was about this scan until it was over and it was all good news.

To recap, I was referred for the scan because my tummy was a bit bigger than it should have been for dates. The first doctor told me that much, then smiled and said 'just to be safe!' (made me feel worse); the second doctor wouldn't even comment that far, just felt my tummy, frowned and asked when my ultrasound was booked; then finally I had one of my first doctors yesterday and he said that they have no way of knowing if my tummy size was due to baby being big or me being big. They want to be able to monitor bub's growth throughout the pregnancy and in these circumstances an ultrasound is the only way for them to do so.

I had a very nice woman doing the scan today. She told me every little thing she was doing, every measurement she was taking and why. She didn't even know beforehand what our history was, just that we had been referred for a measurement scan and that the doctor was concerned that baby might have been a bit too big. It turned out that bub is exactly the right size for dates (32w 1d), fluid level was normal, heart rate normal, blood flow in cord normal. And very definitely a girl! Her girl parts were on show and pointed out to me.

When Kat first died I was terrified of having another girl. I hoped with all my heart that we would have a boy when we eventually had another baby. We had picked out Kathryn as our girl's name almost as soon as we were together (it had been Michael's favourite since he was in primary school and I loved his Kat-with-a-K suggestion) and I just couldn't imagine us having a daughter who wasn't Kathryn. Who would our girl be if she wasn't our little kitty Kat?

While I was thinking like that I also had the presence of mind to know that it was just one indication that I was nowhere near ready to have another baby. I couldn't have with any conscience tried to have a baby when I was terrified of the 50% chance that it would be a girl. I knew I couldn't have a baby until I was ready to welcome a CHILD, not just a boy.

I became somewhat obsessed with trying to pick out another girl's name. In my mind, if there was a name to attach to a future girl I could start to imagine a girl who wasn't Kat and I could be closer to being ready for another baby. I must add that all of these thoughts were occurring over the course of the first few days, not weeks.

During the week after Kat died, when Michael's parents were staying with us, the four of us were talking and listening to music in the lounge room one day. Michael had album covers displaying as a slide show on the TV while the music played and I was only half-heartedly there at all. I wasn't really paying attention to either the conversation or the pictures on the screen. My mind was drifting. This one particular album cover came up and, in my memory stayed on the screen for a lot longer than any of the others did. I kept seeing it out of the corner of my eye and was drawn to keep looking back at it. Eventually I looked at it properly and just stared at the whole thing without really seeing it for a while. Finally, I read the name. It was "Ca Ira - There is Hope". As I read those words something inside me clicked and I said "that's our girl's name". Michael's Dad was equally drawn to the cover and asked Michael what it was. This seemed to add to my sense that the name was important. Then Michael answered his Dad and I was sure of it - Ca Ira is an opera (which Michael loves) that was written by Roger Waters (who Michael loves, from Pink Floyd who he adores). As soon as we were alone I turned to Michael and said "those two words run together into one name - that's our girl". He loved it instantly. Our girl would be Caira.

For a while I had gone off the idea of a middle name. Rory, Sienna and Kat all have middle names that hold special meaning for me in relation to their deceased grandparents without simply repeating their names. When Kat first died we toyed with having Kathryn as a middle name, but then we found Caira and didn't like the sound of Caira Kathryn so we thought perhaps we would have Caira Rose. After a little while I went off using Rose as I didn't want to start just continuing someone else's name when I had deliberately not done that with the other kids. Caira will have both of our last names - mine effectively as a middle name - after I decided the day Kat was born that I wanted her to carry both our last names. To me, Caira wouldn't have had my last name as one of hers had it not been for Kat, plus the mother's maiden name as a middle name is a family tradition in my maternal grandmother's family, so I felt that I was continuing my tradition of meaningful middle names.

A couple of months ago though, Michael brought up middle names so we got talking about them again. When I was first pregnant with Kat I had the song Hey Jude stuck in my head for days and as I heard the words "under your skin" I had such a strong feeling I was pregnant - which of course I was. Jude became our boy's middle name - Dylan Jude - both from the song and after Michael's mum. By the time I was pregnant again I'd changed my mind again about Jude and liked Michael with Dylan. But I kept thinking Jade for a girl. I've always quite liked the name, especially as a middle name - it sounds nice with so many other names - and it runs together Jude (as a nod to the pregnancy with Kat) and Jan (the name my mum was known by).

So - now we are on the 8 week countdown to meeting our Caira Jade!