Yesterday took a b-i-g nose dive and I'm still feeling pretty awful now. I had my first appointment at the high risk clinic yesterday morning. That all went really well. I left the house feeling happy and confident, something that's pretty rare in itself and amazing considering I was on my way to a doctor's appointment. The clinic was fantastic, really well run by very nice and very professional people. The doctor I saw was excellent, very very compassionate and understanding of what we've just been through and how difficult another pregnancy is, but very reassuring in how professional and competent she was. I heard the baby's heart beat. Everything was fine. Then I had to make an appointment for another ultrasound...

I got a referral for another scan because at the last one they couldn't get clear pictures of the baby's head and face because of the position she was in. I had been half expecting to be referred for another scan because of it. Also, trying not to think too much about needing another scan for that reason. When I was having Kat, at the follow-up scan after they discovered that she was too small they couldn't get clear pictures of her head and I had to go back again, then it was the following one that they found the fluid on her heart. So it's unnerving, to say the least, to be reliving that scenario. I know rationally that Kat was already too small and had other problems by that time and I also know that one of the reasons the doctors weren't ruling out a genetic disorder in her was that they couldn't get clear pictures of her face, but all her genetic tests were clear and she was perfectly formed when she was born. So I'm not worried as such about needing to go back for another scan now, just unnerved by it.

Anyway, making the appointment... the doctor referred me to a different radiology place than the one I've been to for the last two. This one operates out of hospitals, plus they have rooms in Tweed. The clinic went to get me an appointment at the Murwillumbah hospital, but I want to go to Tweed. With Michael working up there it's easier for him to come with me. The clinic rang the Tweed hospital clinic twice while I was there telling them I was being referred for a scan. I gathered that they were a bit difficult to deal with on the phone - the nurse at Murbah was sitting there nodding and trying to talk but getting cut off. Apparently they were telling her that they're very busy and if other people were booked in ahead of me I would be turned away. They seemed to think I was coming over that day instead of making an appointment for 3-4 weeks time. So I came home and rang for an appointment and they wouldn't take the booking. I told them twice I was being referred by the high risk clinic at Murwillumbah hospital but they just refused to do it because they consider it a morphology scan and they don't do morphology. So I rang their rooms in Tweed - and they refused the appointment as well. Because I hadn't had the first scan there. I was told "I can tell you right now that no one here likes finishing other people's scans". Again, I had told her I was being referred by the high risk clinic. As far as I'm concerned, that should have been good enough for either place to realise that I need this scan and just do it. I then made an appointment back at the clinic I went to for the other scans, only to have them call back and say that the doctor I saw is not on their list of referring doctors, that's she's affiliated with the practice that had refused my booking. I told them that - and they were pretty appalled about it. They went on to say that because this doctor wasn't on their list I wouldn't be able to claim it on medicare. At which point I started crying and said "look, I've been through a stillbirth, I just want my scan done, I don't care about the money". So at least now I do have an appointment, but I'm just so upset by it.

I've now had three dealings with Tweed hospital and all three of them have been bad. Every person I've spoken to has been exceptionally rude and as though having to deal with someone is so terribly inconvenient. Down to when I was with the doctor yesterday (who travels down from Tweed once a week for the Murbah clinic day) she went to do my blood pressure then remembered it had already been done by the nurse. She said "I forgot, we get spoiled down here, at Tweed we have to do it all ourselves". I just think, what are they DOING up there? I feel like I'll turn up to have a baby and they will treat me as a massive burden because they have to actually do some work. I don't want to set foot in the place, but I don't really have any other options about where to have this baby. I feel good about having all my ante natal care at Murbah hospital and going there after the baby's born, but I can't deliver there. They only do midwife assisted deliveries, no epidurals and if something goes wrong, it's about 30 minutes to get to Tweed. If it wasn't for that I'd suck it up and say fine, I won't have an epidural and deliver here. But I don't want to be that far from help if something goes wrong. So I have to go to Tweed. I'm absolutely dreading having to set foot in the place. It's been really important to me to feel comfortable with my care during this pregnancy and now I'm stuck having to have this baby somewhere I just don't want to be.