A few things have happened in the last week. I went for my 20 week ultrasound last Thursday and everything is looking good. Bub's exactly the right size for dates and was very active, rolling around and stretching right out. It was lovely to see. We were told they can't "see anything between the legs, so it's probably a girl". We've taken to saying "she" but are still bearing in mind that it could be a boy yet.

Having that scan go well seemed to open a floodgate and we've been a lot more open about talking about and planning for baby. We've started buying baby things. It wasn't a conscious effort not to before, but there's been a change in both of us since the ultrasound.

We went looking at baby things on the weekend for the first time this pregnancy. As we browsed around "Golden Slumbers" started playing in the shops - the song we played at Kat's funeral. Not just Golden Slumbers, but the Ben Folds version from the I Am Sam soundtrack, which is the version we played. That song isn't on any Ben Folds albums, it's only on that soundtrack and the shop wasn't playing the soundtrack, just mixed songs. Neither of us have ever heard it anywhere except when we play it at home, but there it was. We just stopped and stared at each other for a moment, had a hug and then through my shock I half smiled, shook my head and just said "hi Kat". We both felt so strongly that she had a hand in that.

Then yesterday I was hanging out the washing from the kids suitcase after their school holiday trip to their dad's. A pair of tights belonging to their little sister had come home in their suitcase. It sent a jolt right through me - realising they were the same size that Kat would have been wearing by now and that I was "supposed" to be washing baby clothes that size by now. All I wanted to do was sit in a heap and cry, but Michael was working and I didn't feel like having to explain to the kids what was wrong, so I had to just keep going and not fall to pieces. I came inside and sat down with the paper and the baby started kicking - and kept on going and going for ages. Probably the longest lot of kicks I've felt yet. I felt like there's a real connection between Kat and this baby. Kat's song came on while we shopped for baby things and then the baby kicked when I was upset about Kat.

I don't know how many people (who haven't been through it) really understand, but I wish everyone did, that having another baby after a loss doesn't do anything to take away the pain of the loss. And having lost a baby doesn't take anything away from the love for a child that comes later.