Confidence, where have you gone?

I've struggled with low self-esteem, self-consciousness, social anxiety and feelings of inadequacy for a very long time. It always comes out more in times of stress and, as I've learned in the last year, grief and trauma.

The thing is I'm feeling OK at the moment. I got over feeling swamped by a run of bad health (which is kind of continuing but I'm OK). I'm eating well and exercising. Losing weight and doing my best to focus on what I'm doing rather than only seeing how far I've still got to go - which doesn't come naturally to me and I have to make it a conscious effort. The kids are fine and we're all getting along really well. Michael and I are great. We're making all our wedding plans, saving as much as we can for it. We have a 5 year financial plan taking in the wedding, paying off debt and saving to build our house. On top of that we've been talking a lot about what we want for our future and we're both working at achieving our goals. I'm excited about what we're doing and where we're going.

So why do I feel all my old demons coming back out to play? I'm questioning everything I do and say. I feel constantly misheard or misunderstood, which I know means I'm not communicating properly. But I don't feel like I'm doing or saying anything differently all of a sudden. I feel awkward and clumsy. I just want to melt away and get out of everyone's way.

I really don't like myself when I get like this. What I hate even more though is that there's no obvious trigger for it this time. I'm on an even keel with Caira and haven't felt like I've had any trouble with PND. If anything I'd say I feel the best I ever have with a young baby. Maybe I've been in 'coping' mode for so long that now the pressure's off it's catching up with me.