Father's Day

Today has brought many mixed emotions. Obviously there is sadness for Kat. Last year I was so excited to wish Michael a happy Father's Day for the first time as we anticipated our baby's birth in a little under six months.

It was that weekend that I was saying 'look at these red spots. They're all over my chest and on my arms and face'. Michael thought they looked like a heat rash and put it down to a hot shower. The next day they had turned white and pussy and I put it down to a pregnancy break out. The day after that they had disappeared.

Also that weekend was appalling with Rory. I think I've written before about how the kids had been behaving in very disturbing ways since their father announced his move to Canberra earlier that year. Father's Day brought it all back out again. Well, it hadn't stopped at any point since February, but Father's Day was bad. Rory was saying, among other things, he wanted to cut our heads off. The next day was the first day of three that I just couldn't wake up. For three days in a row I went straight back to bed after putting the kids on the school bus, woke up around lunch time and had something to eat then went back to bed for a couple more hours until the kids got off the bus. I put it down to stress. The kids and I had just had whooping cough; Michael had been travelling for work for three weeks right when I was at my sickest and so I'd had to do it all on my own; I was getting all Ds and HDs at uni; and the kids behaviour had been seriously worrying (I had them in counselling - it was beyond anything we were capable of dealing with alone) for seven months. Of course I was stressed. And thought I probably had a touch of post-illness fatigue after the whooping cough, which I also attributed the increased vomiting to. Stress and fatigue. It didn't worry me as such because at that stage of pregnancy (15 weeks) I'd still been throwing up every day with both Rory and Sienna.

So, this weekend, this day, I can't help but remember all that. But we also have so much to celebrate.

Of course there is the baby that is now growing inside me. We are both just so excited about this pregnancy and love our baby so much already.

There is also the change we can see in our family. We feel like we've finally gotten past the 'settling in' or 'teething' of creating a step-family. When the kids drive us crazy now it just feels like normal kid shit. They don't give off the aura anymore that there is any underlying cause for any bad behaviour - it's just something that all kids do every now and then. And most of the time they really are fantastic now and are a joy to be with.

We both still have our fathers with us - something neither of us takes for granted.

So, all in all we have felt that today we have plenty to celebrate while still taking the time to acknowledge the grief we feel that someone is missing. We think that's just how special days are going to be from now on.

On a slightly different note, but something that's been on my mind all day... the kids rang their father this morning for Father's Day. When Rory asked to speak to Dad he was asked who was calling. We assumed we had gotten a wrong number - until a moment later we heard him saying 'hi Dad'. At which point we just looked at each other in disbelief. A child calling that house asking to speak to Dad... and whoever answered the phone didn't know who he meant? Then Sienna asked him if he received the presents they sent - framed photos of each of them and cards they made. Yes, he had received them. Just apparently didn't feel the need to say thank you or otherwise acknowledge them.

I'm always grateful that Michael is in my life and I have always felt very good about bringing him into my kids' lives. But then sometimes I have moments of deep gratitude that my children do at least have one great 'dad' in their lives.